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Be inspired by stories of New Zealanders who've gone from hardship to freedom. Apply their wisdom, and you too can go from surviving to thriving.
Be inspired by stories of New Zealanders who've gone from hardship to freedom. Apply their wisdom, and you too can go from surviving to thriving.
24 February 2021
Agnes' money troubles caused her to hide her feelings from her kids and robbed her of special moments with her parents. She shares life-giving tips on restoring and maintaining relationships when times are tough.
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I wasn’t taught much to do with money, so everything I did growing up, I had to do the hard way. I had to make a lot of mistakes.
Gemma knew she wasn’t in control of her money. In fact, it felt like money controlled her. As a mum, she often didn’t distinguish what she “needed” from what she “wanted.’ Quickly she found herself in thousands of dollars’ worth of debt.
There was nothing meaningful out of the debt; I ended-up in a really hard time of my life where I fell into a really deep sadness.
While Gemma continued to work hard to pay the bills and debts, the stress meant she was rarely present to enjoy time with her son, Jese. Gemma realised something needed to change.
Determined to have a better future, she made a courageous choice to reach out for CAP's FREE Debt Help to get on top of her finances.
During her journey out of debt, Gemma discovered a brand-new way of viewing money. And once she was completely debt free...
It took me a day to realise that I was debt free and then I was really excited! I started making goals for my future and [my career] because I didn't have anything holding me back anymore.
As she applied these new skills, she discovered a passion for teaching her son the money wisdom she’d never had the chance to learn. This freedom to create a better future for Jese is something she wants to share with other New Zealand parents too…
Every mistake I've made, I actually taught Jessie about those mistakes. So as I’ve led by example, Jese has been able to learn from those things…[it’s] pretty cool.
Spend any time around tamariki (children), and you’ll soon recognise that ‘why?’ is one of their favourite questions. Curiosity to understand more about themselves and the world around them is part of their make-up.
So unless you give them a satisfying answer to “why”… chances are they’ll never care about the “how”.
When Jese asked “why do I have to learn the value of money?” Gemma explained:
I wanted my son to learn [money and life skills like cleaning] because I didn’t want him to rely on others to do basic needs when he's capable of doing them himself. I want him to understand his worth. He’s grown in his character, and in the young man that he is.
Sooner or later kids will encounter misleading ideas about money through school peers, social media or advertising – ideas that say ‘success’ is measured by the amount of money and popularity you have.
Giving kids the big picture - that money can be a tool but it never determines your worth as a person - is an important hook on the wall that kids can hang their future learning on.
Gemma recommends spending time with your child, seeking to understand what they think about money and the world…
I spend time sitting at the beach, talking to my son. Those conversations have taught us to become closer. They've opened doors that I never would've opened if I was still buying him all these materialistic things.
Busting myths about money allows kids to pursue riches in life that aren't defined by how much money they have in their wallets.
“But Mum/Dad, I neeeeeed it!” Sound familiar? You probably say it yourself too - it’s such a classic!
Jokes aside, it does have a ring of truth to it. To a kid, it always feels true – especially when they’re describing something they passionately want! Learning the difference between wants and needs is an important skill for growth and development.
Deciding the difference doesn’t have to be boring! A fun way is to use the column exercise Gemma and Jese use in the video above. Hint: making a list of needs and wants for yourself can save you money as an adult too!
Free download:
There was no meaning behind what I was buying, what I was spending my money on. I never had savings. I never even thought of savings
Tamariki are like sponges – they absorb our behaviours. If we’re not saving as adults, why would our kids see it at as important?
Even working full time, Gemma was struggling to cover her bills. Savings felt like an impossibility. However, as soon as she started following her CAP budget and paying into her CAP Account, she immediately began saving too! While getting help from CAP, Gemma experienced the freedom and satisfaction of a saving for future expenses for the first time.
When it came to teaching Jese about saving toward goals, Gemma was keen to help him learn as early as possible:
So when [Jese] does want things, he does have to save for those things. He's a bit of a scrooge with his money, but I'm happy with that!
If we’re honest, kids don’t often get to make a wide variety of choices. So the chance for them to choose what’s most important to them, and begin saving towards it, is an opportunity that shouldn’t be overlooked.
Allowing kids to set their own savings goals, (even if you wouldn’t prioritise the item yourself), is a key part of the learning process when teaching kids how to be good with their money.
The bonus is that you’re not having to push them to put their money aside – they’ll already be motivated as they’re pulled toward the goal they’re excited about reaching!
It’s time make it visual!
Just like athletes keep the finish line in sight as they run a 100-metre sprint, encourage your kids to think of a way they could visualise what they’re saving toward, too.
Perhaps they could draw it on a bit of paper or find an image on the computer and stick it on a mirror, the back of a door, or a fridge. They could even stick a picture of their savings goal on their savings jar or money tin!
I taught him about looking after his things and stewarding the things that he does have.
Regardless of how kids choose to visualise their goal, allowing them to take ownership has some distinct benefits:
These are all positive life skills that will set tamariki up for many years to come.
You’ve painted the big picture, explored the difference between needs and wants and empowered your child to set their personal savings goal. Now is their opportunity to put this learning into action!
You go to school [and] it's a new season in a child's life. The first day he turned five, I was like ‘OK I'm going to teach you how to clean your room and make your bed.
When it comes to pocket money, there are several approaches parents take, depending on their family values:
The important thing is consistency; both in the base amount you give them, and what your expectations are each week.
Consistency will build their trust in you – and in the process you’re taking them on – and ensures their savings goal remains achievable and motivational.
Free download:
printable pocket money chart
Do you remember a time in your youth when you worked hard, and bought something from the fruits of your labour? Few things are as satisfying as paying for something you’ve put the hard work in for. It’s this kind of moment that you can empower your kids to make possible!
I wanted him to work for the things that he wanted because then he would know how to value what he has and the things that he has.
Key idea: Make it real. Use cash.
In addition to downloading and printing out the free pocket money chart for kids to track their chores and earning each week, paying their pocket money in cash is also a great visual tool.
While it might seem old-school, handling cash means money is not an abstract number on a screen. Instead it becomes a touchable reality that they’ve worked hard to hold in their hands. This is important preparation for the world they’re growing up in.
It’s so easy in our climate of digital money, EFTPOS and online banking to think that money is make-believe and we can get more of just by wishing it so…. Later in life, as Gemma found, this can lead to young people being sucked into spin cycle of credit cards and loans.
Paying pocket money in physical cash means kids can see and count their savings as it grows in their money tin… and they learn to avoid the future snares of unmanageable debt.
Sometimes kids simply don’t know how to help out around the house because they don’t yet know what there is to be done.
Earning money through chores not only means they can earn some hard-earned coin, it also provides an opportunity to learn healthy life skills.
The way that he worked for his money was to do chores around the house. I taught him how to clean from a very young age, doing dishes, folding his washing, putting them away properly.
It’s important your child knows they have a part to play in the family unit, even if their motivation for doing chores is what they’ll get out of it.
I want Jese to know he doesn’t have to be paid to help out, but it's respectable to help out. Even just simple things. I would put in a little bit of money without telling him the reasoning behind it. And he'd be like, "Oh, you gave me more. You gave me more money." I would explain it to him. "I gave you more money because you offered to come and help me." And let him know that I appreciated all this work that he is doing.
Simple acts like folding the laundry or setting the table will open their eyes to the multitude of everyday jobs that go into running a whare or home. Over time kids develop an understanding and appreciation for what it takes to create a healthy, happy home.
While children may not admit it, being taught a new skill around the house is a satisfying experience – it provides them a sense that they have a way to contribute as part of a whānau.
Sometimes tamariki can think the reason they’re being taught something is because they’re not good at it. (But how can kids be bad at something they’ve never been taught?)
Explain you’re teaching them because you believe in them, and because you feel they’re ready to make some decisions for themselves. This will be hugely affirming for who they are already – and the amazing young person they’re becoming.
Who wouldn’t want to hear that from someone?
Understanding the value of money is a priceless gift that Gemma didn't receive growing up... but she's making sure it's passed on to Jese:
"I think my son's amazing!"
When it comes to saving money, many New Zealanders struggle – even those with full-time jobs.
Often it’s the unexpected expenses, which make saving so difficult. Friends or family might ask you to go out, or to contribute to an activity, but there's nothing left after paying your bills. You want to reach your money saving goals, and you don't want the embarrassment of having to say "no" all the time - and the last thing you want is to take out further debt.... So, what do you do?
Sandra had a full-time job in early childhood education but still, she had next-to-nothing left over after paying her bills. She found herself unable to save any money and being sucked into taking out overdrafts and credit cards.
“Friends might invite me to the movies or to dinner and I’d say ‘Oh no, I can’t make it tonight” because I was too embarrassed to tell them I didn’t have that much money… It was the petrol getting there and whatever else was going to be eaten... and so I’d exclude myself.”
Despite working hard, Sandra recalls that she never looked forward to payday.
Her story changed when she reached out for free help from Christians Against Poverty. The CAP team visited her in the privacy of her home and took a look at her situation, including her income, bills, debt and living costs.
From that point, Sandra became a pro at cutting costs, allowing her to repay debt through her CAP Account, as well as save money. After three years of hard work, always with the support of the CAP team behind her, Sandra is completely debt-free and in control of her finances.
“I don’t owe anybody anything,” she says. “ I can have a peaceful sleep and if I want to go buy myself a pair of shoes… I actually can! It makes me feel amazing.”
Doing things cheaper doesn’t necessarily mean changing your lifestyle, it just means doing the same things, on a budget. For example:
Look at the examples below. Which one represents the best value for money?
Cutting back is doing less of something. For example:
You could even trade your current car for one that is cheaper to run.
One couple who took the FREE CAP Money course saved around $200 a month on takeaways by just cutting back - and another client saved $60 a week by taking his lunch to work.
3 - Cut Out Costs
Cutting out means stopping or not doing something at all.
This is where you can save the most money. A good way to begin is by listing your ‘needs’ and ‘wants’, and then start by cutting out any ‘wants’. Sandra says:
“Keep track [of your spending] just for a week even and then reflect on what you’re spending on. I would keep my receipts and look back and say ‘did I really need those things…or am I just throwing money away?”Examples of cutting out costs include:
The habit that Sandra wanted to give up was smoking cigarettes.
“I thought ‘did I have money to buy cigarettes with my food money?’ ”
She quit by visually putting that money towards a goal instead.
“I got a jam jar and I stuck a little wooden airplane on it . To me it [represented] my plane ticket to [visit my daughter]. It was hard! Every time I thought awww... I’m not going to buy a packet of cigarettes [and instead] I physically put $25 in the jar . And after a while it was like ‘woah, look at that! There’s actually money there!”
You want to save money, but when it comes to activities with friends and family, “cutting back” can feel embarrassing. It needn’t be!
Healthy relationships require good communication. And the great news is that there is a technique to say “no” without taking a backwards step in your relationships.
For example:
“Thank you for thinking of me, but…”;
“It sounds like a great idea, but…”
“I'm glad I can often help out, but…”
For example: 'No, I'm sorry that I can't.'
For example: 'No, sorry, that’s not in my budget at the moment ... '
For example: 'No, sorry, I can't afford to do that right now, but how about we go for a walk in the park instead?’
“For example with smoking, tell your friends that you are stopping. [So] when you are socialising with your friends, they can support you and say ‘yay look at you!’”
Since reaching out to Christians Against Poverty for FREE Debt Help, Sandra has gone from surviving to thriving. She has learnt how to save money and is no longer “hounded” by creditors who want payment for overdue bills.
“I’m debt free. It’s so surreal for me…. it’s like “Oh my gosh, I don’t owe anybody anything and I can have a peaceful sleep”
MORE: Listen to Sandra's interview on Newstalk ZB
Now that cutting costs has become a pattern, Sandra is able to save money for things that give her life. Better yet, she is able to do what she is most passionate about, which is to be generous to others!
“It makes me feel totally empowered… Now I can if I want to do something nice for someone I can. This very friend that always used to invite me [and I always had to say no...] - now I’m in a position to call her and say ‘OK. What can I do? Would you like a Carrot cake or Chocolate cake?’ And I baked her a cake. For her it was so meaningful... It's those little things that for me mean a lot.”
Finally, if your debt and bills feel overwhelming for you, Sandra shares her advice from her journey:
“There is somebody out there who can help you and the first step is being brave enough to make that call.
“From the bottom of my heart I am so grateful for having hooked up with Christians Against Poverty. And there isn’t a day that goes by when I have the opportunity that I don’t talk about [CAP]. I send CAP’s phone number to my friends.”
When the pressure’s on and you’re short of cash, taking out a loan can seem like the best (or even only) way to go.
Money lenders make it simple…and the cash can be in your account the same day. But fast cash is often a fast road to ruin.
Sia, a mother of six, knows what it is like for debt, bills and credit cards to spiral out of control – and what that meant for providing for her family:
“I remember when my oldest girl was little, we had nothing in the cupboard. I would go rummaging in between chairs, looking for coins just so we could get some bread.”
Sia can relate to many New Zealanders who are struggling to survive in these difficult times. It was common for Sia to use debt and loans to pay for basic items.
“I would feel like I would tackle a bill, and then another bill would pop-up. I guess I was going around in circles, like a merry-go-round. I didn’t know how to get out of it. I hated it. I wondered: is this it? Is this life?”
After living for years in unmanageable debt, Sia decided to reach out to CAP’s free Debt Help service.
While she was with CAP, Sia learned vital money management principles, and that saying “no thanks” to loans is the best option - because taking out more debt only makes matters worse.
She recalls an experience where a salesperson was trying to rush her into a purchase and to get her to sign-up for in-store finance.
“[The sales person] tried to speed up the process of giving me money. And because she did it twice, I woke up and thought... what am I doing? I've got a roof over my head. I have gas in my tank. I have food. I don’t need that money.”
Before walking out of the store, Sia said:
"No, sorry… I actually don't need that money. I don't want to get a loan."
What is a debt consolidation loan?
You may have heard of something called a debt consolidation loan. This is where all your debts are taken and reduced to one “simple-to-manage” monthly payment.
Should I get a consolidation loan?
WARNING: Though there may be benefits to use these for some people, you must be aware that a consolidation loan may cost you more in the long-term. Debt Consolidation loans could be secured against an asset, such as a car, which could result in the loss of that asset if there is non-payment.
Tackling debt a better way
If you’re thinking about a debt consolidation loan the best option would be to come straight to CAP. CAP’s Debt Help service is FREE and can give you a better plan. Rather than taking on more debt, which can make the situation worse, CAP will negotiate affordable payments with each of your creditors. We'll even do our best to stop unfair interest charges, meaning you might have less to pay-off in the long run!
- Think of ways you could cut costs so you could save up and buy the item with cash.
- Look at ways that you could increase your income
- Get your money sorted taking a FREE CAP Money course. Here you will learn to budget, spend and save to reach your goals. Creating a budget is a way of getting control of your money, rather than money controlling you. Budget is not about saying "no"; it's a way to give you control over what you say "yes" to.
- If you genuinely need the item (eg. for funeral costs, car maintenance, food or rent arrears), check out workandincome.govt.nz who may be able to assist you.
- "How much am I going to have to repay in total?"
- "What will I have to pay if I fall behind on my repayments? ie. What are the default penalty fees, and what interest rates will be applied to the penalty?"
Sia is one of over 1,700 New Zealanders who called CAP for free help while in hardship… and who is now debt free!
“When I was with CAP, it felt like I had support. I had people that had my back, who believed in me. And it made the process so much easier. I didn’t like having a budget, but I knew that what I was doing never worked, so I was willing to give it a go. And it actually worked out.”
The CAP team negotiated with Sia’s creditors and created a liveable budget. Straight away, essential costs such as food and rent were no longer a worry. Sia was set up with a fair repayment plan, allowing her to pay back her loans using her own income. The CAP team supported Sia for 3.5 years, until she became completely debt free!
Sia now wants to ensure that she shares her newfound money wisdom with her children:
“I feel like I am teaching [my children] better money principles. I just hope that what I’ve learned, they will be able to pick it up and do it for their families.”
“I used to just spend money because I thought that’s what made me happy…. I was in thousands of dollars worth of debt, and I didn’t even recognise it. I was still sad. It was making me happy, but it was only making me happy for a moment. That’s the cycle.” - Gemma
When times are tough, and money is tight, it can feel like our choices are limited: we can accept our lot and suffer on with less... or take out more debt.
We can be tempted to think that the only way to fill the feeling of emptiness is to buy more 'stuff'.
For Gemma, happiness was like a mirage - every time she spent money the thrill she experienced disappeared almost as soon as she got what she purchased. She felt like it was a never-ending cycle.
“Back then, I had this sense of sadness, which was just always feeling alone…. All I knew was that I had to live and I had to survive to be the best mother that I could be.”
"I needed Jese to have everything, because I didn’t have that growing up. I thought that happiness was having all these things.
Coming to CAP, I went on this journey that life isn’t about that.
When Gemma began her journey out of debt, she realised the most valuable things to her weren't the things that had a pricetag. "I realised I didn't even know my son."
“I went on this journey of figuring out what is it that actually makes [Jese and I] happy. And the main thing was meaningful time."
Gemma discovered a richness in the simplest of things: time with her son. It wasn't measured by her bank account, or the new item of clothing in her wardrobe, but on the joy she experienced while being with him.
Here's two starting places:
1. Make a list of what's important to you in life.
“I realised that quality time was all we wanted. I hardly ever spend money on materialistic things now, I spend it on time with Jese.”
“My discovery of joy is hiking with my family. We don't even have to hike... but just being in nature, it reminds me of God's creation and how beautiful it is. Every time I'm out here, God shows me something different about myself…”
What do you love doing? What makes you "come alive", or gives you joy?
Taking a walk in the bush? Listening to music or singing waiata? Gardening or throwing a frisbee?
Make a list of your personal 'tank-fillers' and post that list in a place where you'll see it regularly and refer to often (think: on the fridge, back of the bathroom door, car dashboard or even the homescreen on your mobile).
Then, choose one (or more) of your personal 'tank-fillers' and pop some time in your calendar to prioritize it this week!
Spending less doesn't mean you have to sacrifice quality time with people you love.
In fact, spending less can actually force you to think of ideas for connecting with friends and whānau in ways you've never tried.
Here are some examples of alternatives that you could try... or better yet, create your own!
Gemma worked long work hours to pay off her unmanageable debt, leaving her with little time to spend with her son. After calling CAP for free help, CAP created a liveable budget to allow Gemma to repay the debt using her own income.
CAP’s Debt Help service took away the money stress. This support enabled her to discover a new relationship with her son, and go from simply surviving to now thriving.
And, now Gemma has joined over 1,700 NZ CAP clients who have gone completely debt free!
"The time that [CAP] spends with each person… They really care about each person. They put a lot of time and love into each client and they did that with me from day dot! They help you with ideas and they gave me tools to budget my money wisely."
"My advice would be to prioritise your time and make family time... it’s so important. If you have a partner, go on dates. When you have children, spend one-on-one time with them. And when you’re with them, ask them questions.
One thing I love to do when Jese finishes school is to take 20 minutes and just talk about how school went that day. Kids love meaningful conversations.
And those conversations have taught us to become closer. They've taught us how to communicate. They've opened up doors that I never would've if I was still buying him all these materialistic things."
If you're finding it hard to manage your finances, please do reach out to CAP for help.
Finally, it’s important to acknowledge the difficulty of not being able to do some things right now.
But just as important; take the opportunity to gain something money can’t buy… You may just stumble into a ‘joy that lasts’!
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"I have come, that they may have life, and life to the full." - John 10:10b
Speaking with a partner or spouse about money and debt can seem tricky, especially if it’s been a point of tension in the past.
Former CAP Debt Help client Mark, recalls that his dire financial situation was "snowballing." It almost forced the break-up of his marriage. Looking back, he now acknowledges that the best way to talk to your partner about debt is calmly, and to be “open and honest” about your situation.
“The best way to talk to your partner about debt is calmly. Be open and honest about your debt.” - Mark, debt free CAP client
If you feel in the dark about your relationship when it comes to money, you’re not alone! The Commission for Financial Capability NZ found that...
When couples don’t talk about money it can lead to problems in other areas of relationships. It’s a bit like flying a plane. Imagine flying a plane without first agreeing on a destination and without knowing how much fuel is in the tank... Flying and hoping for the best is not exactly the best formula for getting places!
Setting future goals (your destination) and coming up with a plan to get there (your fuel) will put you in control of the plane you're flying— and make you better co-pilots!
Mark and Carol we were having constant arguments about money before getting help from CAP. Each and every day, creditors were calling Mark, demanding payments on overdue loans. But things turned around when CAP created their first budget, which prioritised the family’s essentials. From that day, there was no more arguing about money.
“We thought wow! It’s quite amazing to see how you’ve got money for this and this… and if you cut back you can afford this. And everything just made sense.”
The two main things are:
1. Agreeing on goals you’d like to set together. Your goals may be how to get through this season, or they may be longer-term, like saving for retirement or a holiday. Both short-term and long-term goals are valuable places to start, and it's OK if you're not thinking long-term right now.
2. Agreeing how you’re going to achieve those goals is the next step. This includes coming up with a plan or budget, including how much you want to spend on living expenses. Attending a FREE CAP Money course is a great way to do this.
If your partner is the type who appreciates a heads-up, make sure you let them know you’d like to chat later. That will allow them to clear space in their day.
Where to talk
It’s best to find an area where you won’t be disturbed. It might be helpful to stay at home in a space that is free of distractions. Alternatively, go out somewhere. Try going for a walk and finding a park.
How to break the ice
Here are some easy ways to kickstart the conversation about debt and money with your partner:
How to talk
As Mark said earlier, it pays to be compassionate and gentle. Be sure to communicate that this isn't about blame, it’s about making a plan together.
The calmer you are, the calmer your partner is likely to be. Staying composed means you will both be able to think logically and problem-solve together. On the flipside, the more stressed or anxious you are the more likely your partner is to mirror that feeling. This could result in them becoming closed-off or defensive.
It’s important to remind each other that this is going to take effort and compromise from both of you. Getting on the same page about finances doesn't necessarily happen in one sitting. Each person will bring different attitudes about money/finances to relationships, and getting on the same page may take time.
Talking about money is now a regular pattern for Mark and Carol. As a result of this co-operation Mark and Carol have gone from surviving to thriving - they are among over 1700 New Zealanders who have reached out to CAP for free Debt Help and are now debt free.
“My future is so much brighter. Our marriage has gone from strength-to-strength! There’s no greater feeling on earth than saying YES to your kids now.”
And finally, if after speaking to your partner about money, you find that you are still over your head and worried about unmanageable debt, give CAP a call. Similarly, if you are struggling to deal with a partner in debt, don’t hesitate to get in touch.
Mark says that reaching out for free help from CAP made “all the difference”.
"I felt like I was in this massive hole and I was trying to get out, and then by calling CAP there's this ladder coming over the hole coming down to meet me. It was relieving; somebody was on our side, somebody had our backs and there was no need to be afraid anymore.”
When money is scarce it can cause us to shut-off the outside world.
Even when we’re attempting to prioritise family and friends, money-related stress can pressure us to start saying no to social occasions. We then begin to feel isolated – at a time when connecting with others is actually crucial to our overall wellbeing.
For CAP client Agnes, troubles with money were affecting her relationships, including the relationships that mattered to her the most – her tamariki (children) and her parents. Agnes remembers her kids entering the kitchen only to find an empty pantry.
"They knew when they opened the [empty] cupboards that the struggle was real. I felt like a bad mum, not being able to support them…. and I didn’t want my kids to see that. I would [try to] hide the reality of me being stressed. They knew not to say anything about it.”
Facing a mountain of loans and harassment from money lenders Agnes still longed to ‘love-on’ her parents and to be generous with them. Agnes thrived in the kitchen. She loved making special kai (food) for her parents on a Sunday.
But because she was broke, the tables were turned.
Instead of showing manaakitanga (hospitality) to her parents, Agnes was forced to ask for her parents’ support with basics such as petrol or kids’ lunch money.
“I wasn’t able to be open with them about what was happening… I didn’t want to be a burden … It always saddened me because the other siblings would give, not us, because we just couldn’t afford it.”
In a moment of desperation, Agnes spotted a brochure for CAP’s FREE Debt Help service and made a brave call for help. The friendly first responder explained the service and arranged for a CAP Debt Help Coach to visit her in the privacy of her home.
At the end of that [call] was a prayer, she wanted to pray for our family and that. Oh, I just broke down.”
CAP’s involvement brought instant relief. Money lenders were asked to stop sending harassing texts emails and phone calls. Agnes and her husband, Ben, were given a new budget, ensuring that the cupboards were full again, and they were even able to start saving! As they started repaying their debts, the mental and physical stress began to ease too…
Ehara taku toa i te toa takitahi, engari he toa takitini
My strength is not due to me alone, but due to the strength of many
Human beings were made for relationship.
The book of Genesis reminds us that we can’t thrive in isolation. Hauora, the Māori philosophy of health, explains that our wellbeing is made up of our mental health, the health of our family/social connections, physical health and spiritual health, and that all of these areas are connected. So when we experience money problems, it’s understandable that these difficulties can start to damage other aspects of our wellbeing.
The good news is that holistic wellbeing can be rebuilt – even when money is tight.
To do this, you can be guided by the concept of Te Whare Tapa Whā, developed by Sir Mason Durie.
It takes four strong walls to hold up a house. In the same way there are four elements necessary for a healthy, balanced life.
The first wall – taha whānau – is social and family health. Taha whānau is about who makes you feel like you belong, who you care about and who you share your life with. The other three walls are mental and emotional health, physical health and spiritual health.
Before making any changes to your house, it pays to look at the strength of your walls. On a scale of one-to-ten, how healthy are your social or family relationships right now?
Remember: whatever your number - whether it’s a one or a nine out of ten - there are always ideas to get connected that don’t require money.
Agnes was lower on the scale than she wanted to be, but she had a vision of what she really wanted for the future. She didn’t yet know how to give her parents love/kai the way she wanted to, but she kept this goal alive.
“I always say to myself, one day Mama and Papa… one day!”
Dr Dougal Sutherland, a clinical psychologist at Victoria University, affirms that Te Whare Tapa Whā is a great reminder that we’re designed to live in community.
“To be a strong and stable human, we need … social connections. We are fundamentally made to be living in connection with each other… we're social creatures.”
The strength of your taha whānau – social and family health – is not necessarily about the number of relationships, but how you invest time to strengthen the quality of your relationships.
Having 80 friends on Facebook – or even hundreds – doesn’t necessarily translate into meaningful, life-giving social relationships.
So rather than trying to maintain a large number of connections, take time to reflect on the people in your life that make you feel like you belong: Who could you open up to without needing to put on an act? It could be people in your workplace, people in your family, at church or at a club you belong to.
For Agnes, investing in the quality of her relationships translated to putting building blocks in place to show aroha to her parents, and re-connect with her tamariki (children).
Agnes and her children found fresh joy in simply spending quality together.
She says making time for her children is now an important part of maintaining her wellbeing. She’d love to remind others that it’s important – even in difficult times – to let your kids know that it’s still ‘all good’, and to remember that you’ve got each other.
"We have a connection now, especially with my older ones. I'm able to talk to them about the 'before and after' [of our CAP journey], and now we're being blessed... just saying, 'oh, how was work?' and, 'how was the day?'."
If your finances are making you retreat from social occasions, don't be hard on yourself - you're not alone. Eight-out-of-ten Debt Help clients say that being in debt kept them away from people - from friends, family, and social or sporting activities.
It’s important to be aware that the temptation to isolate ourselves is normal – and also to remember that you’re often your own harshest critic. Dr Sutherland says sometimes the pathway to wellbeing relies on you behaving in a way that’s opposite to the way that you feel.
“Your natural reaction is to withdraw and stay away from other people, and actually you need to act the opposite of that natural tendency and to seek out support even more than you have already have.”
Agnes reminds people in her community that ‘it’s okay to not be okay’. She acknowledges that money can be a real problem, but organisations like CAP can really help.
Don’t be whakama (embarrassed) about getting help. It actually takes real strength and bravery to reach out – and you are stronger than you think. Lean in to help and support, rather than leaning out.
As the book of Isaiah reminds us, you are not alone. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.” – Isaiah 41:10a
Now it’s time for some fun!
Money needn’t be a barrier: your mission is to think of things you love to do, then brainstorm some creative, cheaper alternatives. You’ll find there are plenty of family activities you can enjoy, even when you’re strapped for cash.
See some ideas from CAP client, Gemma, on how to find happiness when money is tight and times are tough…
Spending less doesn't mean sacrificing quality time with people you love. In fact, spending less can actually force you to think of creative ideas for connecting with friends and whānau in ways you've never tried.
When you’re in a place of need yourself, it’s easy to forget about the support you can give to others. Dr Sutherland invites us to go against our instincts:
“When you're giving out support to others it’s just as valuable, and does you just as well, psychologically than receiving it – in fact, probably even more! So actually, who can you help?
There's always somebody who may be struggling in your circles... How can you help? And in turn, it might give them permission to help you out too.”
And just as you don’t need money to enjoy quality time with your loved ones, you also don’t need money to be able to give.
One way Agnes extends manaakitanga is by volunteering at her local soup kitchen. You may discover similar opportunities to lend a hand at a local marae or local City Mission – especially around the times of special events and festivities.
“…Connecting with others that used to be in my place and hearing their stories… it's just a good feeling giving back to the community – ‘cause, I swear that used to be me. I can give, knowing that families will be fed, knowing that the struggles are real.”
Other ways to serve in your community include getting involved in beach and river clean ups or working bees at local schools or community walls. Keep an eye out in your local paper or Facebook community page for opportunities.
You could also offer to help friends and whānau with errands, childcare or aged care, including cooking and delivering a meal, cleaning, or simply providing company to those who are frequently alone.
Before coming to CAP, Agnes was stressed-out by court summons and debt collectors banging on her door. Her hauora (health) suffered – “from breakdowns [to] stress to sleepless nights”.
Her natural instinct was to shut herself away. But Agnes ‘acted opposite’ and made the brave move to call CAP for help – a move she wishes she made earlier.
“I think my mistake was leaving it too long and, you know, there's help out there.”
“The sun will shine again if you CAP it. CAP will walk with you from the start of your struggles ‘til the finish line.”
We can now say "DEBT FREE" as of today! Whoop whoop cheehooo 🎈💖👌. CAP...what can I say. Thank you for CAP supporters who helped, and prayed for us. I will never forget the day when my Debt Help coaches first visited. It was like angels coming to visit us to take a big toll off our shoulders.”
Not only has Agnes learnt new money management skills, paid off her debts and kept her kitchen cupboard stocked, her social/family relationships have been strengthened – she’s been able to build the strength of her taha whānau.
She’ll never forget the day she could finally fulfill her dream of blessing her parents with kai.
“The day that happened… the very first kai we made them, they my parents gave us the funny look and asked us, what’s going on, I just said ‘God is good’. They love every meal we make them now. I know for sure… we are blessing our family. And I never ever have to ask for dosh anymore.”
“It’s just amazing that I can do that with my mum… because she knows the struggle we have. She’s like, ‘I’m proud of you… you’ve made a difference, and that’s because you got up and you went and got help.’”
A surprise Mother's Day lunch Agnes prepared for her Mum, 2020.
If you’d like to ensure that more New Zealanders in hardship receive the free holistic help they need, you can donate here.
